Mother arrested for tattooing 11-year-old daughter

Her ID said she was 18!

It all started out innocent enough. A North Carolina woman was arrested for tattooing her daughter after a relative reported the incident to police.

A police report stated that the mother had tattooed her daughter in multiple places with out regard of the law.

"The defendant tattooed her daughter multiple times. Of the tattoos on the daughter, three were verified to have been applied by the mother."

Of three tattoos in question, two were on her wrist and one above her waist:

1. Can't drink until 2022.

2. Can't smoke until 2019.

And above her waist,

3. She's not 18 even if she says she is until 2019.

Child Protective Services has given mixed reactions to the tattooing due to the messages on the the girl's body.

"Tattooing a child is wrong, but on the other hand, this kinda prevents the daughter from getting into too much trouble. It also prevents any pervert from claiming they thought she was 18."

Anti-Smoking foundations have stood up to defend the right of the parent to tattoo such wise things on their child.

"It is best to start teaching your child these lessons at a young age."

Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, insisted that tattooing messages of wisdom on your children was the right thing to do.

"All my children were tattooed at birth with the message, "No sex until marriage". So far, only one of my children has managed to remove that one!"

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Democrat Colleen Lachowicz Blasted For Playing World of Warcraft

Democrats found playing WoW, revealed to be in secret game alliance.

Nerds in Maine finally have a candidate that represents them in the upcoming election. Democratic Colleen Lachowicz of Maine, challenger of incumbent Sen. Tom Martin, recently made the news after it was revealed she played World of Warcraft.

 A group of nerds at the local college suspected that the level 80 Night Elf that they had been playing with was someone other than a normal RPG player. After inputing every action, movement, and chat dialogue into a computer program that they had made, the results gave a surprising result. The computer program that they had made was designed to identify the identity behind every avatar in the game. The resulting answer revealed the player as Colleen.

"We began to get really suspicious when the character began talking about the upcoming election. She was really good at fighting trolls and campaigning at the same time though. The fact that the player turned out to be a woman was cool enough."

World of Warcraft administrators informed us that the game has over 600,000 thousand female avatars. A large majority of those players are gay males posing as females, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocent straight males. Only 4 of those avatars were actually of the female gender. One of which was Colleen Lachowicz. The others in order of their join date are, Lady Gaga, "Supreme Mother Monster" ,a Glitter Elf enchantress, Sarah Palin, a hardworking, rifle-carrying redneck, and Oprah Winfrey, a wealthy dwarf daytime show host.

The Republican Party decried Colleen Lachowicz' actions pointing out that she was using the game to campaign for the election.

"This is a portion of the social network that until now has been unused by the political world. The influence possible in this environment is unknown. We consider it dishonest for her to utilize this new environment before we have has the chance to control and monopolize on it!"

World of Warcraft administrators stated that they are working on an expansion for game after this new development has become popular.

"It will be a political expansion pack. Some of the new features will be an integrated election system. The ability to commit election fraud and the long requested ability to lie to the general public. The system will be in sync with current politics, with the position of President currently being held by Barrack Obama."

Barrack and Michelle Obama, Justin Bieber, Betty White Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump, and the Queen of England are all currently carefully planning their WoW avatar.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Apple Maps Clear Winner Over Google

The world of Apple maps.

Today employees at Apple detailed how their map service was superior to Google Maps.

Capital of Germany, Berlin, relocates to Antarctica

"People may say that Apple Maps is garbled and unable to pinpoint certain places. The fact of the matter is that Apple Maps shows the true form of the world. For instance, when you search for New York City, it marks a spot 500 miles north and 1,000 miles into the planet core. While that may seem like an error to most people, our conspiracy consultants tell us that we have been tricked into believing the New York is where we think it is."

"Google is part of the coverup. They know that New York City is not where they say it is. Apple's satellites show us the true setup of the planet."

When geographers questioned Apple Maps for depicting Russia adjacent to Sarah Palin's backyard, the woman herself had something to add to the controversy.


"I always said I could see Russia from my backyard. Thank God that Apple shows us the truth about our planet. If Apple says that Russia is in my backyard, I must concede that I have been indoctrinated to think Russia was across the ocean."

According to Apple Maps, Sarah Palin's house and the country of Russia are located in the inner core of the planet, otherwise known as hell.

When one uses Apple Maps to locate Apple itself, Apple appears to be located at the Sun. Or as Apple explains it, Apple is the sun.

Dollar Tree Changes It's Popular Slogan

Dollar Tree: Everything's a Dollar, the current slogan of Dollar Tree is in the process of being reinvented. Dollar Trees COO, Stephen W. White, announced the upcoming change last Monday.

"Dollar Tree is a well known name. I think we can safely change the slogan now that most everyone around the nation is familiar with it."

The reasons behind the change are considered a secret. At a donor meeting yesterday, unknown to Stephen W White, the event was being recorded.

"We here at Dollar Tree have gone through decades of the same annoying question, 'How much does this cost'? Since our slogan is magically wiped from our customer's brain when they pass through the entrance doors, we have came up with a new slogan. We are providing our employees with the necessary tools to facilitate our new slogan.

Dollar Tree: We WILL kill you if you ask how much 'this' is..."

Dollar Tree store employees across the country are overjoyed by the change. Sarah Palin, a manager at a local store in Alaska, and Michele Bachmann, Palin's assistant manager, both released the following statement.

"All of our employees are quite excited to see their new store issued automatic firearms. The employees get to carry AK-47s while we as store management are allowed to wield freshly polished Uzi's. Watch out forgetful customers, we are eager to play with our new toys."

The NRA made the news also after making a large donation after Dollar Tree's announcement.