Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.

Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.

"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."

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In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.

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Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Ted Kennedy Rises From the Dead

Earlier this week, after a campaign ad shown at the Democratic National Convention which depicted the late Ted Kennedy, the ground near his grave began shifting. After days of disturbances around his grave site, a hand was seen rising from the ground. Cemetery staff were seen running off the property screaming of zombies. Our news staff was first on the scene. Our staff reported that a man, resembling a   zombified Ted Kennedy was seen stumbling towards the cameramen. As they began backing away in fear of a zombie bite, Ted "The Zombie" Kennedy pulled an old bottle of whiskey out of his rib cage. After they noticed that he was more interested in alcohol that their brains, our correspondent approached Ted while dragging a camera guy behind him.

"Mr. Zombie Kennedy, are you alright? Having you not been getting your monthly haircuts or dental cleanings? (Please click here to see our previous article on Obamacare Covering Dead People)

Zombie Ted looked up at the interviewer and snarled.

"Hey idiot sober guy with a camera, shut the hell up and let me get my drink on."

After several minutes and several whiskey bottles later, "The Zombie" looked up and smiled.

"I have been very happy with my medical treatment. I was the one who threatened Obama to put such an inclusion into ObamaCare. My hair is nice and trimmed, my teeth, the ones that I still have are cavity free. I even had a good colonoscopy last week."

Our correspondent, who was still picking up empty whiskey bottles moved forward to get a closer word, in the process dropping all the bottles... again.

"Then why did you violate the Geneva Convention's ruling that zombies must stay in their graves, seeing as how anything but that is torture to our olfactory system?"

Kennedy paused and grabbed another bottle of whiskey from his rib cage before answering.

"Screw the Geneva Convention. The Republicans break the Convention on 'water-boarding' so I can violate the rules a little bit for zombie freedom. I was summoned by a political advertisement, the Republicans are mad because the Democrats used the words of a deceased man on television. Yes I do have a TV in my coffin, part of ObamaCare."

"So what do you plan to do now that you are in the land of the living?"

"The Zombie" let out a very sticky hackle.

"Well, first, I plan to drive under the influence, causing me to drown several women as my car flies of a bridge into a deep body of water. Then I feel like biting Romney a few times, just to test out his magic Mormon underwear. If he turns into a zombie, like me, then he will be faced with the fact that holy Mormon underwear is a sham. He should have worn the magic bras the Mormon women wear."

Our interviewer kindly handed Mr. Kennedy a Altoid breath mint.

"Your breath smells horrible and without one of these, you will never get anywhere close to Romney. Fresh breath can take you places in this world."

Zombie Ted then asked our entire camera crew to head over to his grave and help him move out. When they returned to where they had left Ted, their van was moved. It appeared that it had been driven right off the road, into the river, wedged next to one of the bridge support beams, with a dead woman floating in the water.

Watching, as they walk back to the station, gives many of us here in the office a good laugh. Using Google maps as a live viewer is new to the entertainment business.

SatireSanity News Corp. 2012