Romney Locks Himself In the Oval Office During Visit

Town Hall "floor-mat" may favor Romney in Tuesday debate

Obama's campaign manager spoke to MSNBC last night on the advantages each of the candidates will possess during tomorrows debate.

"To start off, I find this to be unethical and unfair, the floor-mat Romney will be standing on offers him an overwhelming advantage."

According to extensive research done on the effects of Mormons standing on certain floor-mats, the individual's "magic Mormon underwear" would interact with it in an interesting way. The research shows that the "magic underwear" reacts with the floor-mat creating a magical aura of charisma.

"The magic that will be at work with Romney will be unstoppable. We are doing our best to remove all floor-mats, but if we do that, his magic underpants may react with the podium or some other overlooked object."

Obama has one advantage that may be useful. His ability to close his eyes, lower his head during a debate will give people the impression that he doesn't even need to argue what is so obvious. Or it may lead people to believe he is extremely tired and very talented at sleeping standing up.

The word on the streets is that Obama is posed to win due to his advantage.

"I know that I will vote for him. The appreciation he shows towards sleep is comforting. I love sleep, therefore I love Obama."

You can buy "Sleeping During Debates For Dummies" from your local bookstore for the low price of 29.99$. It also features an introduction written by Barrack Obama himself.

You can buy your own pair of "magic Mormon underwear" for the low price of joining a secretive cult and taking a holy pilgrimage to the holy planet of Kolob. Please see your local Mormon Temple of Doom for details.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Ryan Attempts to Win Votes, Stripper Style

His ears are growing, he trims the nose.

After several days of campaigning in Ohio, Paul Ryan drew the anger of democratic residents after attacking the Obama policies.

"Obama has done nothing to restrain China. Two million jobs, American jobs, have been handed to China on a silver platter. Obama's policy on trade relations with the Peoples Republic have failed."

From the crowd, voices turned angry and hostile.

"Now I came here today suspecting opposition, and let me tell you folks, you're a brainless bunch. Romney will not send any jobs to China, he never will, and never has!"

When the crowd began to loudly object, Ryan enacted what moles in the Ryan team refer to as nefarious plan "B."

Ryan removed his Android from his shirt pocket and began dancing provocatively to the sound of club music. As he began to remove his clothes, the entire crowd was heard dialing 9-1-1.

After Ryan was arrested for public nudity, the chief of police gave a solemn statement.

"Ohio law prohibits acts of nudity in public, exotic dancing or not. Scaring the public in the way he did was immoral and unlawful."

Hardcore Romney supporters still plan on supporting the candidates regardless of their actions.

"Like I said before, Romney and Ryan will get my vote no matter what. I hate Obama so what other choice do I have? Ryan may be a dirty sex offender but I would rather have that in office than Obama."

As to whether or not they would still vote that way if Romney and Ryan charged with the mass murdering children, well... we got the same answer.  

 Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012




--Fact Check--

"Obama campaign spokesman Danny Kanner wrote in a statement: “Congressman Ryan’s tough rhetoric can’t hide the fact that Mitt Romney will never crack down on China’s cheating – just look at his record. When President Obama stood up to China on behalf of American tire workers, Romney called it ‘decidedly bad for the nation.'"

Source: NBC News

--End of Fact Check--

Presidential Debate Comes Down To Favorite Color

Presidential debate moderator loses her temper.

At last nights debate, between President Obama and former tax evader Mitt Romney, much was said and many lies to spoken.

Miss Piggy (a friend of Big Bird),the moderator for the debate, after an hour of being ignored, walked up to the podiums and backhanded them. After returning to her post, Miss Piggy asked them the most important question, a question that would solve the question of who to elect once and for all.

"What would you say is your favorite color? Romney, you may answer first."

After ten minutes of scratching his head, Romney cleared his throat.

"What was the question again?"

Miss Piggy began to shake with rage.

"Hiiieeee YAAAA!"

A large makeup kit smashed into Mitt's face.

"I ASKED, WHAT is your FAVORITE COLOR!!"

After Mitt Romney recovered from the blow he pulled out a little device, a device that would later be revealed by the camera as a 'lie creator'.

"My favorite color is green, like the planet where God lives, Kolob."

The President adjusted his suit coat and smiled.

"Romney says his favorite color is green, but when he was Governor he painted the governors mansion yellow. How do you explain that?

What is my favorite color? My favorite color is..."

Romney interrupted:

"What the President would like you to believe about clean energy is totally false. He tried to force a bill through congress three times. Three times! Three times he tried to change the term 'green energy' to 'red energy! AH HA!"

"Thank you for interrupting me FORMER GOVERNOR. My favorite color is blue, like the flag."

Miss Piggy removed herself from her seat and approached Mitt.

"Give me back my makeup case!"

As soon as the case returned to her hand she it chucked at Romney again. 


The debate was a success, or so MSNBC claimed.

"The color favored by the candidates will determine the election day results. Now we go to Chris Matthews reporting outside the local prostitute palace. What do you think was in Miss Piggy's makeup case..."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012