Gun Ban Wouldn't Keep Nerf Guns Off Streets

Identical Nerf Gun with smaller clip

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence published a report today to express grave concern with a proposed gun control law currently being considered by legislative committee. According to the report, if current gun control legislation was passed and enforced it would fail to control guns and fail to protect anyone at all.

Nancy Pelosi was interviewed on "Meet the Press" this morning to comment on the alarming report.

"The proposed gun ban, Protection from Flying Lead Act, would fail to protect citizens from other potentially fatal projectile weapons."

To demonstrate her point she withdrew a large green NERF gun and fired a foam dart into the eye of the now deceased host, David Gregory.

Brandishing the toy gun, she pointed at the corpse on the floor.

"NERF guns are largely overlooked by the American people as weapon capable of deadly force. The NRA has successfully for many years, downplayed the lethal force capable of these weapons. Another huge issue with guns such as these is directly related to the large amount of ammo they can carry. The NERF gun I am holding is capable of holding over 15,000 projectile darts. I could kill everyone in this studio with ease."

The NRA was quick to point out that Pelosi's public act of homicide was in fact an act of defense.

"Pelosi's actions should in no way prove the validity of gun control. Meet the Press host, David Gregory, was obviously a threat to her well-being as can be witnessed by the way in which he was eating his Skittles, doing so in such a way as to put Pelosi's life in immediate danger."

David Gregory was only eating blue Skittles which contain a food dye lethal to Ms. Pelosi.

No charges have been filed in the death of David Gregory but the manufacturer of Skittles has been ordered to cease production of it's popular bite-sized candies.

Nancy Pelosi also revealed the dangers of squirt guns after she reportedly blinded her next door neighbor's son who was witnessed running from her backyard with an empty carton of eggs. Pelosi was seen comforting the mother at the hospital.

"Obamacare should cover this."

To date, only one death has been caused by NERF guns, the death of David Gregory.

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2013

Schools Closing: The Truth

The media has been in an uproar after Philadelphia leaders announced plans to close 37 schools in the area.  Some of the reason behind this had to do with smaller class sizes as enrollments plummet.

Conspiracy theorists took no time to create a absurd plot behind all of this.

A post from Facebook, off of the Uncle Sam's Misguided Children page had the following to say:

"Obama is closing the schools. Der... He wants our guns and he wants to use the closed schools as Kenyan military training facilities!"

Our investigation led to a much more disturbing finding. For the past 10 years, the Philly school system has allowed it's already outrageous coffee fund to divert more and more valuable funds from the general fund. Last years coffee budget was at an outstanding 350 million dollars. This is small change when compared to the Congressional coffee fund which is currently the only thing responsible for the budget deficit.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2013