Gun Ban Wouldn't Keep Nerf Guns Off Streets

Identical Nerf Gun with smaller clip

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence published a report today to express grave concern with a proposed gun control law currently being considered by legislative committee. According to the report, if current gun control legislation was passed and enforced it would fail to control guns and fail to protect anyone at all.

Nancy Pelosi was interviewed on "Meet the Press" this morning to comment on the alarming report.

"The proposed gun ban, Protection from Flying Lead Act, would fail to protect citizens from other potentially fatal projectile weapons."

To demonstrate her point she withdrew a large green NERF gun and fired a foam dart into the eye of the now deceased host, David Gregory.

Brandishing the toy gun, she pointed at the corpse on the floor.

"NERF guns are largely overlooked by the American people as weapon capable of deadly force. The NRA has successfully for many years, downplayed the lethal force capable of these weapons. Another huge issue with guns such as these is directly related to the large amount of ammo they can carry. The NERF gun I am holding is capable of holding over 15,000 projectile darts. I could kill everyone in this studio with ease."

The NRA was quick to point out that Pelosi's public act of homicide was in fact an act of defense.

"Pelosi's actions should in no way prove the validity of gun control. Meet the Press host, David Gregory, was obviously a threat to her well-being as can be witnessed by the way in which he was eating his Skittles, doing so in such a way as to put Pelosi's life in immediate danger."

David Gregory was only eating blue Skittles which contain a food dye lethal to Ms. Pelosi.

No charges have been filed in the death of David Gregory but the manufacturer of Skittles has been ordered to cease production of it's popular bite-sized candies.

Nancy Pelosi also revealed the dangers of squirt guns after she reportedly blinded her next door neighbor's son who was witnessed running from her backyard with an empty carton of eggs. Pelosi was seen comforting the mother at the hospital.

"Obamacare should cover this."

To date, only one death has been caused by NERF guns, the death of David Gregory.

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Satire Sanity News Corps 2013

New Mexico Man Improperly Anal Probed By Local Law Enforcement

Name of anal probe victim changed to prevent further embarrassment.

A New Mexico man has filed a federal lawsuit claiming local police subjected him to 180 improperly administered anal probes as well as 14 unsanitary enemas and 2 off brand applications of anal douche products.

Delwin Eckerton states that his horrible nightmare, which he admits was not really an actual nightmare, began on December 21st, 2012. Police pulled him over while reportedly witnessed attempting to perform wheelies in what authorities described as “clearly impossible for a white van to pull off.”

His attorney, a shady looking man looking man with a fedora, said police officers requested Delwin to exit the vehicle after ramming his van into a metal post. The officer on the scene reportedly witnessed the driver fart very obnoxiously as little white pills began exiting, at rapid speed from his anal cavity. The policeman noted that this would have been less noticeable had the driver not been wearing assless chaps.

Eckerton was taken to the local hospital where doctors on the scene refused to anally probe the man after declaring the offending butt to be a dangerous projectile weapon.

The attorney said his client was taken to another facility where doctors performed nearly two hundred anal probes before realizing that they had absolutely no idea what they doing. In some instances, the anal probes were inserted sideways, upside down, in the victim’s mouth and ears as well as the occasional probes mysteriously disappearing in the man’s colon. 14 enemas were also performed on Eckerton but in each case, hospital staff accidentally used enema kits that had already been used on other patients. The lawsuit also claims that the following the enemas, two anal douche kits were administered on him that were clearly not his preferred brand and that hospital staff had failed to purchase the requested products from 1-800-DOUCHEKITS.

“That’s not my brand!” Eckerton was heard screaming on one occasion.

The lawsuit also claims that proper anal probe procedure was ignored. After aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, the Food and Drug Administration at the request of the aliens provided proper medical instructions for the use of these sensitive probing instruments.

Both local law enforcement and the aliens declined to comment.

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Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Rand Paul Challenges Rachel Maddow to Duel of Magical Skill

Wizard Duel: Who Will Win?

Rand Paul gained national attention after officially challenging MSNBC host Rachel Maddow to an epic duel of magical proportions. Sources inside the now confirmed ‘wizard world’ have confirmed what we have long suspected; Rand Paul and his longtime rival and former schoolmate, Rachel Maddow, are in fact members of an elite class of people, witches and wizards.

Once an unknown entity, the United Stated Department of Magic has confirmed that a former law known as the “Statute of Secrecy”, which had required total secrecy of the magical world, had been declared unconstitutional by United States Supreme Court. This law is an identical version of a law of the same name that has been enforced by Great Britain’s Ministry of Magic for several decades.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia expressed his surprise when the formerly unknown law was challenged on the basis of being unconstitutional.

“The other Justices and I, except for the formerly closeted witch, Justice Sotomayer, were completely unaware of the Statute of Secrecy. It was not until we declared the law void that even understood exactly what the law enforced.”

Justice Sotomayor declined to give comment after she was cornered by journalists after she was reportedly seen crawling out of an ornate fireplace in the courthouse chambers.

Rachel Maddow and Rand Paul are confirmed to be former students at “Criss Angel’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry”, also known formerly as “Miss Cleo’s Academy of Magic and Might.” Functioning much like Hogwarts, a school of magic that J.K. Rowling had attempted to pass off as fictional, the American based school also has four Houses that represent unique characteristics of the students who study there. Rand Paul, part of House Reagan, formerly known as House Nixon, was never quite fond of Rachel Maddow while he attended the school. Maddow is reported to have been part of House Kennedy, which has been an opponent of House Reagan and it’s formerly named variations ever since the school was reformed in the 1960s.

Man Enters Treatment for Compulsive Breathing After Astonishing Arrest

After local law enforcement raided the home of a Chicago resident, shocking evidence of what can only be described as a long history of compulsive, unpolluted breathing was uncovered. Among the evidence gathered were some thirty tanks of oxygen, three air purifiers, a humidifier and a most disturbing modification of his central air and heating unit, air filters. The suspect, a long time resident to the neighborhood transformed the otherwise breath-taking vista of pollution and carbon monoxide into an eyesore for the otherwise upstanding asthmatics of the area. Many of the neighbors expressed horror and sometimes hatred while protesting outside the suspect’s home. The occasional sign with words like “God Hates Free Breathers” and “Oxygen Is Sinful” were freely flaunted and unchallenged by most. One of the residents when asked about one of the signs responded by lovingly blowing smoke in the face of a reporter and offering out a free carton of cigarettes, though they most disappointingly turned out to be Pyramids.

“The day my children are exposed to the horrors of the devil and those who fall to the temptation of an easy and effortless breath is the day God sends this country straight to hell.”

Later in the day the suspect was returned to his home after posting bail at the local jail. The police were present to escort him to the door, all the while ensuring that he obeyed the law and did not search for any patch of clear, unpolluted air on the way indoors. Shortly after his return to his home members of the local coal plant workers arrived on the scene to sponsor an anti-pollution safety course. Attendees were encouraged to rid themselves of their inhalers in an attempt to teach a lesson to all compulsive, clean air breathers across the nation.

Schools Closing: The Truth

The media has been in an uproar after Philadelphia leaders announced plans to close 37 schools in the area.  Some of the reason behind this had to do with smaller class sizes as enrollments plummet.

Conspiracy theorists took no time to create a absurd plot behind all of this.

A post from Facebook, off of the Uncle Sam's Misguided Children page had the following to say:

"Obama is closing the schools. Der... He wants our guns and he wants to use the closed schools as Kenyan military training facilities!"

Our investigation led to a much more disturbing finding. For the past 10 years, the Philly school system has allowed it's already outrageous coffee fund to divert more and more valuable funds from the general fund. Last years coffee budget was at an outstanding 350 million dollars. This is small change when compared to the Congressional coffee fund which is currently the only thing responsible for the budget deficit.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2013

Congress Implements New Energy Bill; Obamabesity!

In an effort to reduce energy costs for families in need, President Obama signed a new energy bill into law yesterday that is by far the most far reaching, energy saving piece of legislation passed in many decades.

The newly formed political body, known only as the Radical Hard Down has replaced the Radical Hard Right in the dissent of all legislature that Obama seems to agree with.

"What Obama has signed into law is a horrible, horrible thing. As a matter of fact, not to be outdone by the Republicans, we are call the new law "Obamabesity."

In this latest attempt at saving energy, Obamabesity aims to lower the heating costs of the American people. The bill is not expected to reap it's full benefits for at least a few months due to the large changes Americans will be expected to incorporate into their diet.

Once starring in Doom3, he found his calling at McDonalds.

Susi Collins, a unknown executive assistant at McDonald's Fortress of Doom was able to share with us the bills contents seeing as. just like Obamacare, no one knew what the bill contained when they voted on it.

"We here at the Fortress of Doom are a pivotal force when it comes to putting this new law into effect. With Obamabesity in effect, all citizens must eat at our locations at least three times per day. We have about 8 months to fatten up the the country before being skinny is illegal."

The President's bill does what many people can not do for themselves, afford to eat at McDonald's daily.

Obese couple weigh in on new law.

"How much does a good blanket cost? A lot more then what it costs to eat each day. With the new legal weight weight minimum of 512 pounds, people will stay warmer longer. Thermostats will be turned down and no one can make fun of fat people like my wife and myself ever again."

The bill is very clear when it comes down to the mandatory weight gain. Not only must you keep on the pounds, but severe food regulations will also be put into place. All food on earth that is green will be burnt and never replanted. If you want to eat a carrot, you must request a bag from your local "I Still Pretend To Eat Healthy Shit" store. Those carrots must then be injected with a mixture of trans fat, chocolate, cupcakes, pie, Dairy Queen cake, and marshmallows. For a whopping price of four dollars per baby carrot, only the rich will be able to eat delicacies like this. Hell, the rich will eat anything as long as it costs more than the average household yearly income.

Each and every Republican in Congress came forward to recant their former opinions regarding the once hotly contested Obamacare health bill.

"Obamacare makes sense now. If you're worried that you "little" 500 pound six year old will not get the quadruple-heart bypass he so desperately needed two months ago, Obamacare is their for you. We will ask that a new measure be put in place to help those with eating disorders and the rare respectable methamphetamine indulgers. Covering the costs of transplanting the fat of dead people and animals into their bodies to keep them within the legal limits of the law is only right and necessary."

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In other news, Little Debbie Inc. has begun mass producing Twinkies after acquiring the recipe from Hostess. The price of one twinkie? Thanks to Obamabesity, the cost is covered under Obamacare.

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Next week on Satire Sanity we investigate rumors of fat people teasing those who weigh less then them.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Romney Locks Himself In the Oval Office During Visit

NASA To Unveil Mars Discovery

On December 3rd, NASA is planning on revealing information involving Mars. The hype surrounding this statement only increases as the day steadily approaches. Little information has leaked from NASA but we are proud to report what may be a very small portion of what they plan to reveal. Our informant leaked the following information to us just yesterday.


"NASA has stumbled upon what can only be called earth-shattering, or Mars-shattering as it may now be. Reports of a large colony of Christina Aguilera clones living just under the surface of Mars can be confirmed after the leader of the colony uploaded a photo of the complex onto her Facebook page."

As of yet, we have no news on whether or not they will be joining the cast of "The Voice."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Man Arrested For Manufacturing Counterfeit Twinkies

Police arrested an unknown man this morning after a neighbor filed a complaint about odd sounds coming from the suspect's basement.

"He kept screaming about how mankind was safe from a zombie apocalypse. What really frightened us was his rapid weight gain and what appeared to be a permanent blob of cream filling on his chin."

Investigators on the scene uncovered a illegal Twinkie lab in the suspect's basement. Evidence of illegal Ding Dong manufacturing was found on the scene.

"The suspect is in big trouble here. These people need to be punished, first meth labs then Twinkie labs?"

Walmart released a statement regarding the situation.

"As with Sudafed, customers are only allowed to purchase up to 3 tubs of cream filling per day."

The local residents are very thankful that the culprit was apprehended.

"The last thing we needed was this evil man selling Twinkies to our children."

No news yet whether Twinkie labs are as flammable as your average meth lab.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Neighbors Refuse to Make Enough Noise During Sex

Dumbledore in S&M garb.

Paul Bryan is your average creepy, fat white dude. He keeps the same routine almost everyday. He rises from bed at 6 P.M. after sleeping for a measly 14 hours. He then demolishes the bathroom while smoking a cigarette that will inevitably burn the top of his rotund belly. After a quick nap from the chore of using the bathroom, Paul goes to the kitchen for his early supper.

"I eat raw SPAM daily. Every time I eat it I feel miserable afterwords and tell myself I will never eat SPAM again. But by the time the next day comes about, I open yet another can. It's like those dirty adult movies that seem good at first but having you running for the trashcan ten minutes later."

Besides his awesome sleeping habits and his exquisite taste in food, Bryan has another horrible habit, let's make that two.

Paul's neighbors irritate him to no end.

"Late at night, when I am starting my evening session of World of Warcraft, their bed begins to squeak really loudly... , kung-pow, take that you stupid drunken zombie pigeon!"

Paul's obsession with his neighbors is nothing new. His upstairs neighbors had to be bribed with 200 dollars just to do an interview with us.

"He sends us letters on a weekly basis.

'Will you please wear microphones while you guys are doing it? I can buy the amplifier, it is much to quiet down in my place.'

'I would be more than happy to drill a man-sized hole through your bedroom floor.'

And the last letter, we received it last night...

'You have repeatedly refused to negotiate with me. I have been very modest with my requests. At the very least, and to repair our friendship, can you at least moan really loudly?'

We tried getting a restraining order, but evidently it would be 'entrapment' since he lives less than 100 feet from us."

Paul happily mailed us a letter informing us of his new discovery...

"I bought one of those listen devices that picks up the vibrations off a window. Goodbye DVD's, I got my entertainment for a week.

Now to hook it up to my DVR!"

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Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


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His other bad habit? Daniel Hines reports for us...

"When Paul gets really bored, he frolics around in his living room. With a robe made from a modified bed-sheet, he takes on the persona of his favorite gay wizard, Gandalf the Pervert, previously Gandalf the White. Honestly though, that 'the White' is obviously racist. Where is Gondolf the Black, Gandalf's black half-brother?"

We think Daniel may have confused Gandalf with Dumbledore. "Gay wizard grooms young boy. Private lessons something more?"