Neighbors Refuse to Make Enough Noise During Sex

Dumbledore in S&M garb.

Paul Bryan is your average creepy, fat white dude. He keeps the same routine almost everyday. He rises from bed at 6 P.M. after sleeping for a measly 14 hours. He then demolishes the bathroom while smoking a cigarette that will inevitably burn the top of his rotund belly. After a quick nap from the chore of using the bathroom, Paul goes to the kitchen for his early supper.

"I eat raw SPAM daily. Every time I eat it I feel miserable afterwords and tell myself I will never eat SPAM again. But by the time the next day comes about, I open yet another can. It's like those dirty adult movies that seem good at first but having you running for the trashcan ten minutes later."

Besides his awesome sleeping habits and his exquisite taste in food, Bryan has another horrible habit, let's make that two.

Paul's neighbors irritate him to no end.

"Late at night, when I am starting my evening session of World of Warcraft, their bed begins to squeak really loudly... , kung-pow, take that you stupid drunken zombie pigeon!"

Paul's obsession with his neighbors is nothing new. His upstairs neighbors had to be bribed with 200 dollars just to do an interview with us.

"He sends us letters on a weekly basis.

'Will you please wear microphones while you guys are doing it? I can buy the amplifier, it is much to quiet down in my place.'

'I would be more than happy to drill a man-sized hole through your bedroom floor.'

And the last letter, we received it last night...

'You have repeatedly refused to negotiate with me. I have been very modest with my requests. At the very least, and to repair our friendship, can you at least moan really loudly?'

We tried getting a restraining order, but evidently it would be 'entrapment' since he lives less than 100 feet from us."

Paul happily mailed us a letter informing us of his new discovery...

"I bought one of those listen devices that picks up the vibrations off a window. Goodbye DVD's, I got my entertainment for a week.

Now to hook it up to my DVR!"

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Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


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His other bad habit? Daniel Hines reports for us...

"When Paul gets really bored, he frolics around in his living room. With a robe made from a modified bed-sheet, he takes on the persona of his favorite gay wizard, Gandalf the Pervert, previously Gandalf the White. Honestly though, that 'the White' is obviously racist. Where is Gondolf the Black, Gandalf's black half-brother?"

We think Daniel may have confused Gandalf with Dumbledore. "Gay wizard grooms young boy. Private lessons something more?"