Excessive Flatulence Causes 50,000 Dollars Damage to Chicago Home

The fire department was called after smoke was allegedly seen coming from a home in the Chicago area. Witness say they saw what appeared to be a large green cloud rolling out of the back of the two story house.

"At first I could smell it. It was extremely foul, but after a few minutes of searching for the source, my sense of smell shutdown."

"We were walking in the neighborhood when we saw green smoke rolling out of a house. It smelled like death, freshly cooked bird, and melting metal."

When the fire department arrived on the scene, the residents of the home were seen fleeing their residence.

After the situation was assessed and under control the fire chief approached our camera team and made a statement.

"Luckily everyone made it out alive. They suffered minor injuries to their sense of smell but are otherwise alright. The only loss of life apparent was that of a flock of geese who flew through the smoke cloud. They dropped dead almost immediately."

Chicago's city manager released a statement blaming the sewer system.

"The sorry state of our sewer is to blame. After the upstairs toilet was flushed, a reaction occurred in the piping. The toilet began expelling methane gas. This led to the toilet melting through the floor and ultimately destroying several sections of the house and it's foundation."

Safety experts began putting out fliers pleading with homeowners to buy methane detectors.

"If your bowel movements can cause such horrible reactions, it is better to be safe than sorry. Installing a methane detector in your home's bathroom can alert you before you flush a potentially toxic bowel movement. Help us save lives."

The homeowners stated that no one in the house has toxic bowel movements.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Heidi Heitkamp Guilty of Singing a Different Tune

Heidi Heitkamp is running for a U.S congress position, against Rick "Lettuce" Berg. Heidi has always been well known for singing songs while on the campaign tour. Last night, she was interviewed on MSNBC by well known host, Rachael Maddow. During the interview, Heidi was caught singing the newest hit song by Justin Bieber, "Boyfriend".

After the interview, Heidi's rival, Rick "Lettuce" Berg released a statement.

"I am very disappointed with Heidi. She is singing a different tune, she is clearly pulling a fast one on the voters."

Rick "Lettuce" Berg's office later issued a complaint about Heidi's change of tune.

"Heidi gained support last year after she was caught singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Combined with her talented voice and her song of choice, Heidi won the support of many. Yesterdays change of tune shows us the real Heidi. If elected, she will sing Justin Bieber songs instead of fighting to lower taxes and abolish Obamacare."

Heidi Heitkamp denounced the complaint as "frivolous" pointing out that Rick "Lettuce Berg had changed from singing church hymns to blatantly singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".

"If anyone should be under suspicion, it should be Berg. He is using Lady Gaga's song to justify his arrogance and lack of respect for social issues."

Debates on this subject have caught the internet in a wild fire.

Can you guess what we are singing here at the office?

Please stay tuned for any changes in the candidates singing choices.
 

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

New York Native Dives Into Pile Of Adult Videos To Collect Data

Kimberly Matthews is attempting a feat that no one has attempted before.

After a local adult bookstore reported that their warehouse full of precariously stacked adult videos collapsed onto the factory floor, Kimberly's interest was sparked.

"I have been informed that the naughty videos add up to over a million. That makes a very large pile. It gives me a chance to investigate a scientific question, do adult films weigh more than normal DVDs?"

The bookstore agreed to the experiment on the condition that Kimberly does not open any of the cases.

Today after the warehouse opened, Kimberly was seen readying herself for the experiment. We took notice of a large oxygen tank, a box of Trojans, baby wipes, and a small household scale.

We watched in awe as Kimberly climb the nearest shelf, about twenty feet of the ground. The warehouse staff held their breath as she elegantly dived into the pile. After about thirty minutes of horrible adult film music, the pile began to shift. After an hour or so, the technician on the site declared that Matthews oxygen tank would soon be depleted. The warehouse crew began to clear the DVDs away carefully. As they cleared, parts of Kimberly were uncovered. She was in a sorry state.

Paramedics appeared on the scene and began to attempt resuscitation. After a few minutes of this treatment Kimberly came to.

"The weight of the DVDs almost overwhelmed me. I would have thought they would have weighed no more than worthless fluff. It was like each DVD was playing in my head. But I have discovered something very important, adult videos are hazardous to your health."

When asked if the videos weigh more than an average pile of normal movies Kimberly informed us that she had yet to test the weight of normal DVDs.

"As to if I will do the next experiment, I think I will need time to recuperate. I believe that DVDs like 'The Godfather' and other great movies of the past will weigh much more, crappy films like 'I Am Number 4' and the box set 'Heroes' should weigh significantly less."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Good Samaritan Helps Ohio Man Twice In Eight Years

A man by the name of Gerald, an Ohio resident, has a knack for getting into trouble, of the non-criminal type. Yesterday, after driving home from a meeting with his shrink, Gerald parked his car on the side of the road and walked into the ditch. After several minutes of laying in the ditch, a kind man, known only as the Good Samaritan found Gerald in the ditch.

"He was having a mental breakdown, screaming, making animal noises and weeping without pause. His clothes were torn and frankly indecent."

The Good Samaritan decided to help poor Gerald.

"I forced about 10 Valiums down his throat. While my hand was down his throat, I thought I recognized the teeth that were biting into my forearm."

After Gerald calmed down the Good Samaritan asked if they had ever met before. Gerald recounted an event 8 years ago involving a poor attempt at fishing.

"I remember that event now. I was fishing down by the river when I saw Gerald putting his own hand on his fishing hook. Before I was able to get there, Gerald has tried to cast his line with his hand attached."

The Good Samaritan chastised Gerald about fishing. Obviously the man had no clue how to fish.

"After removing his hand from the hook and bandaging the fish bites on his fingers, I told Gerald that he was not allowed to fish anymore. I banned him, using my authority as a intelligent person."

After the second encounter, Gerald asked his new friend out on a fishing trip. The Good Samaritan was against this idea. The Good Samaritan took Gerald to a local common sense seminar instead.

Teen Charged With Attempting To Blow Bubbles At Chicago Bar

Adel Daoub was charged yesterday for allegedly blowing bubbles at a local Chicago bar. City law enforcement claims that a call came in after Mr. Daoub was caught blowing bubbles inside a reputable Chicago bar.

"We were disturbed when we arrived on the scene. The man in question was blowing bubbles very close to the bar's ornate wallpaper. The owner feared for his life as the bubble came in contact with the expensive wall coverings."

Owner Steve Edwards was interviewed later at the police station.

"The jerk was trying to destroy the wallpaper. I feared for my life, what if he turned his bubbles on me?"

Adel Daoub was charged with possession of a bubble blower of mass destruction and for attempting to damage and destroy priceless wallpaper with damaging bubbles. He is currently being held on a 10 million dollar bond.

British Royals Upset About Topless Photos.

People magazine reported that the British Royal Family issued a complaint to social media outlets after topless photos of Kate, Prince Williams wife, received little to no attention.

"We are upset that these photos have not turned viral."

After Kate sent her photos to the local tabloid, she became enraged when she was told that the photos were useless.

Kate later reportedly posted on YouTube a video of the topless pictures, as a slideshow. She was later seen running through Buckingham Palace screaming. Husband William felt inclined to make a statement.

"My Kate is upset because her video has only had one view."

YouTube found out about the video when the one viewer had flagged it as "nasty".

"We had no choice but to remove that video. It is regrettably that we had to take such actions."

The Royal Family later released a statement condemning YouTube for it's censorship.

Thousands of 'Striking' Teachers Rally In Chicago

Thousands of striking teachers rally today in Chicago. After getting denied by the city a permit for their annual 'Striking Teachers Bikini Parade', thousands of beautiful teachers flocked to the streets to hold the event anyway.

Reverend Jesse Jackson was one of several speakers who spoke today at the the event.

"This is a protest held by several gorgeous teachers of Chicago. The leaders of this rally are tired of being treated wrongly by school officials."

The board of education denounced the parade as a distraction for thousands of school children.

"We neither condone nor support this rally. We will maintain our policy of treating these teachers as ugly individuals."

Many residents across the nation believe this a true turning point for beautiful teachers across the nation.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Obama Demands to See His Birth Certificate

Today at a press meeting at the White House, President Obama expressed his displeasure with the decreasing lack of demands to see his real birth certificate.

"After months and years of hearing the demands of the people, to see my birth certificate, it is time that I bring a little honesty into this discussion.

I also want to see the real birth certificate. A few months back, I was handed a supposed copy of my certificate from my press secretary. After viewing it myself, I found myself thinking it was the real thing, that is until my wife pointed out a serious flaw."

The reporters for Donald Trump and FOX NEWS fainted and hit the floor, no one feeling the need to catch them.

Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central shouted out to the crowd, "TRUST FALL!" , as several of his entourage attempted to catch him. A tough feat seeing as Daniel was naked and covered in Crisco.

"After examining the document, it dawned upon me that there was no watermark on the document. I also noticed that the document claimed I was Caucasian. Now unless there is a form of reverse-albinism rampant in my family, the document must be false. I demand that my real birth certificate be shown!"

Donald Trump's hairpiece was seen clapping it's hands in approval.

Obama later went on to tell us that he had enlisted the investigative expertise of Trump's hairpiece touting that it has always been the source of "The Apprentice" owner's intelligence.

Donald Trump was caught on camera later firing several employees for not putting enough superglue on his scalp.

"Do you know how much time I have wasted, sending out my people to find that darned clump of hair? I could have been present at that press release. If only my hairdressers had used the proper amounts of glue and duct-tape."

A question was also raised by FOX NEWS later in the day that Obama may in fact be the anti-Christ. Anne Coulter and Bill O'Reilly  had the following discussion about this topic.

"So what you're telling me Anne, you're telling me that we will never find Obama's mother?"

"Bill, if you had been listening you would have heard what I had to say on that. Instead you kept trying to interrupt me. Obama doesn't have a mother because he is the spawn of Satan. Satan in fact may have given birth to him."

"Well Ann, I would think that would have been particularly painful for Satan, kinda like how it happened in the movie 'Junior'. What about sources who say that they actually spoke with Obama's mother?"

"As I said before, Bill, maybe you should get some hearing aids. That woman was not his mother. She was a front, a follower of Satan, charged with caring for the child."

"That sounds a bit like psycho speak to me, but what do I know. The prices of hearing aids can only mean one thing, they serve as a conduit for government mind control."

Obama's press secretary could not be reached for further comment but an aid inside the White House informed us that the President is not dealing well with his findings. She told us that an order was being processed to exhume the body of his mother to take a sample of her DNA, to determine if she was a satanic being or if she really is Obama's actual birth mother.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Romney Weighs In On The Issues

During a debate hosted by our news corp last night, we had the chance to ask Romney and Obama several questions. Please keep in mind, that like all politicians, they often avoid answering certain points.

"The first question of the night is this; what do you think about regulating Wall Street and how do you plan to act if you win the election."

Obama: "I think regulation is good. It was Wall Street that put us in the recession. If I am reelected I will continue to maintain regulation.

Election Officials Struggle to Put Mitt's Name on Ballot

Election officials reported today that they have been having problems with the ballot system. According to sources, every time the election officials try to add Mitt's last name into the ballot system, the computers are unable to process his last name.

"Every time I try to input Mitt's name into our ballot system, the computer gives me an error. It simply is unable to handle his last name. Yesterday, while attempting to force the system to recognize the last name, the entire server network went up in smoke. They just melted down in front of us."

Sources confirm that large arrays of servers have melted down due to excess heat.

"It's like the last name, which I cannot type for fear of my system, it is like his last name is a super-virus."