Man Refuses To Obey Stop Sign, Says Octogon Never Taught In Preschool

Police arrested a heavyset man today after they reportedly saw him run through every stop sign in town. Police tell us that the fat man in question has a relatively low IQ, slightly higher than his shoe size and is ignorant of many things that require logical thinking.

"The defendant claims that stop signs mean nothing to him. His lawyer is not letting us near the obese bag of flesh so we do not know why the defendant couldn't possible recognize the stop sign."

The police are also confused as to why the fat man needed a lawyer as they where only handing him a traffic ticket.

After repeated attempts to get in contact with defendant, we stalked the heavyset man through town until he stopped at the local McDonald's. Our undercover reporter, Daniel, entered the store in an attempt to speak to the fat fool. After the fat man ordered 5 big macs and a 4 large fries our reporter approached the mass of blubber with a large fry as bait.

"I was never taught about that shape on the stop sign as a fat child. In fact, they only taught us circle and square. I hear there are more shapes but that's where I stop knowing stuff."

According to Peter Griffin's slightly more mentally challenged brother, his ignorance excused him from traffic laws.

"Whatever shape is on the stop sign, if I don't know it how am I supposed to react."

The fat man's lawyer later appealed to the judge that his client be considered medically stupid with complications stemming from McDonald's.

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

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Good Samaritan Helps Ohio Man Twice In Eight Years

A man by the name of Gerald, an Ohio resident, has a knack for getting into trouble, of the non-criminal type. Yesterday, after driving home from a meeting with his shrink, Gerald parked his car on the side of the road and walked into the ditch. After several minutes of laying in the ditch, a kind man, known only as the Good Samaritan found Gerald in the ditch.

"He was having a mental breakdown, screaming, making animal noises and weeping without pause. His clothes were torn and frankly indecent."

The Good Samaritan decided to help poor Gerald.

"I forced about 10 Valiums down his throat. While my hand was down his throat, I thought I recognized the teeth that were biting into my forearm."

After Gerald calmed down the Good Samaritan asked if they had ever met before. Gerald recounted an event 8 years ago involving a poor attempt at fishing.

"I remember that event now. I was fishing down by the river when I saw Gerald putting his own hand on his fishing hook. Before I was able to get there, Gerald has tried to cast his line with his hand attached."

The Good Samaritan chastised Gerald about fishing. Obviously the man had no clue how to fish.

"After removing his hand from the hook and bandaging the fish bites on his fingers, I told Gerald that he was not allowed to fish anymore. I banned him, using my authority as a intelligent person."

After the second encounter, Gerald asked his new friend out on a fishing trip. The Good Samaritan was against this idea. The Good Samaritan took Gerald to a local common sense seminar instead.