NASA To Unveil Mars Discovery

On December 3rd, NASA is planning on revealing information involving Mars. The hype surrounding this statement only increases as the day steadily approaches. Little information has leaked from NASA but we are proud to report what may be a very small portion of what they plan to reveal. Our informant leaked the following information to us just yesterday.


"NASA has stumbled upon what can only be called earth-shattering, or Mars-shattering as it may now be. Reports of a large colony of Christina Aguilera clones living just under the surface of Mars can be confirmed after the leader of the colony uploaded a photo of the complex onto her Facebook page."

As of yet, we have no news on whether or not they will be joining the cast of "The Voice."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Man Arrested For Manufacturing Counterfeit Twinkies

Police arrested an unknown man this morning after a neighbor filed a complaint about odd sounds coming from the suspect's basement.

"He kept screaming about how mankind was safe from a zombie apocalypse. What really frightened us was his rapid weight gain and what appeared to be a permanent blob of cream filling on his chin."

Investigators on the scene uncovered a illegal Twinkie lab in the suspect's basement. Evidence of illegal Ding Dong manufacturing was found on the scene.

"The suspect is in big trouble here. These people need to be punished, first meth labs then Twinkie labs?"

Walmart released a statement regarding the situation.

"As with Sudafed, customers are only allowed to purchase up to 3 tubs of cream filling per day."

The local residents are very thankful that the culprit was apprehended.

"The last thing we needed was this evil man selling Twinkies to our children."

No news yet whether Twinkie labs are as flammable as your average meth lab.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Neighbors Refuse to Make Enough Noise During Sex

Dumbledore in S&M garb.

Paul Bryan is your average creepy, fat white dude. He keeps the same routine almost everyday. He rises from bed at 6 P.M. after sleeping for a measly 14 hours. He then demolishes the bathroom while smoking a cigarette that will inevitably burn the top of his rotund belly. After a quick nap from the chore of using the bathroom, Paul goes to the kitchen for his early supper.

"I eat raw SPAM daily. Every time I eat it I feel miserable afterwords and tell myself I will never eat SPAM again. But by the time the next day comes about, I open yet another can. It's like those dirty adult movies that seem good at first but having you running for the trashcan ten minutes later."

Besides his awesome sleeping habits and his exquisite taste in food, Bryan has another horrible habit, let's make that two.

Paul's neighbors irritate him to no end.

"Late at night, when I am starting my evening session of World of Warcraft, their bed begins to squeak really loudly... , kung-pow, take that you stupid drunken zombie pigeon!"

Paul's obsession with his neighbors is nothing new. His upstairs neighbors had to be bribed with 200 dollars just to do an interview with us.

"He sends us letters on a weekly basis.

'Will you please wear microphones while you guys are doing it? I can buy the amplifier, it is much to quiet down in my place.'

'I would be more than happy to drill a man-sized hole through your bedroom floor.'

And the last letter, we received it last night...

'You have repeatedly refused to negotiate with me. I have been very modest with my requests. At the very least, and to repair our friendship, can you at least moan really loudly?'

We tried getting a restraining order, but evidently it would be 'entrapment' since he lives less than 100 feet from us."

Paul happily mailed us a letter informing us of his new discovery...

"I bought one of those listen devices that picks up the vibrations off a window. Goodbye DVD's, I got my entertainment for a week.

Now to hook it up to my DVR!"

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Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012


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His other bad habit? Daniel Hines reports for us...

"When Paul gets really bored, he frolics around in his living room. With a robe made from a modified bed-sheet, he takes on the persona of his favorite gay wizard, Gandalf the Pervert, previously Gandalf the White. Honestly though, that 'the White' is obviously racist. Where is Gondolf the Black, Gandalf's black half-brother?"

We think Daniel may have confused Gandalf with Dumbledore. "Gay wizard grooms young boy. Private lessons something more?"

Kristen Stewart Finally Number One at Something - Exclusive!

Good morning to you too!

Fans of Kristen Stewart found one more thing to gush over last weekend as Daniel Tosh of Tosh.O revealed more of the actresses' never-ending talent. Her accomplishment? Kristen received a reward for "Most Exhausting Actress of the Year."

Lindsay Lohan reportedly started using crack again after her dreams of winning the award were crushed.

"I worked so hard this year to win it. I started using meth, I frowned a lot and Chris Brown punched me in the face repeatedly. If I don't look exhausted, who does?"

Kristen Stewart had nothing to say in regards to the award. It was revealed that she did not have the strength to activate her vocal cords after three straight weeks of screaming about how horrible and misunderstood her life was.

Robert Pattison in a rage of anger posted a sex tape showing the world how exhausting Kristen is really.

"She doesn't even have sex in this video! It was kinda like phone sex but without the phone and with all the meaningless words one can muster."

The CDC, Centers for Disease Control issued a statement that has all the pretty boys within one hundred miles of Stewart in a panic.

"Kristen Stewart exhibits all of the signs of a contagious form of exhaustion. Please be careful while viewing any of her films and make sure to burn it after wasting an hour of your life to the exhaustive acting."

The CDC also stated that a common and severe side effect of being near Stewart is evident when the victim shows signs of rapid aging and the appearance of what is usually confined to those who have been beaten severely with the 'ugly stick.'"

"Robert Pattison was once a very attractive young man. Now look at him! He looks like he could fall asleep on a campfire! And whoever told him he looked alright with facial hair?"

The US Surgeon General has decreed that Kristen Stewart be required to wear a label, quite similar to what you might find on a cigarette pack.

"Warning: May cause premature aging and lack of life."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Ghost Hunters Continue to Breed Stupidity

After years of shooting stupid footage, full of creaking stairs and dust motes, the Ghost Hunters team has finally decided to come to a close. During the series finale, the cast of Ghost Hunters will be introducing their brand new show, "Ghost Worshipers: It's Still All Fake."

"I am a long time hater of Ghost Hunters. My wife always comes running to me about this "proof" or that "proof" that ghosts exist.  She killed my dog last night when the reflection off a lamp made his eyes glow."

Research apparently shows that 100 percent of all Ghost Hunters viewers believe their is a ghost in their house every time the refrigerator door closes by itself.

"I had just taken the milk out of the fridge when the door closed by itself. I can only hope that this ghost is a nice ghost."

Caroline, another viewer of the stupid show also had a paranormal experience to share with us.

"I was upstairs cleaning my bedroom out when a stack of books that I had precariously set on the edge of an end table fell down. I was so afraid that the ghost was trying to hurt me that I lost control of my bladder."

Recently, our chief correspondent's wife crashed into the local deli.

"I was driving to the store when I heard this rattle in the engine. I was so afraid for my life, what if the ghost cut my break lines? I started texting my husband when the ghost made me crash into this building."

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In other news, stupid people who talk on their phones as if they are having an orgasm piss me the hell off!! Grow some balls and talk like a man, not a limp noodle with a french accent!!

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Michelle Obama Accuses Husband, Muslim Controversy

Just a few minutes ago, Michelle Obama, wife of the President sent out a very incriminating tweet.

"@BarrackObama Mthrfckr, I saw u sneak 2 mecca, cant wait til u get ur ass home. ur ass... is... toast. #hesamuslim"

Michelle Obama revealed to E! News that her husband had promised her he was not a muslim.

"I kept finding those ugly muslim head coverings stashed in between my evening dresses. I wasn't sure what it was all about until I saw Barrack on television at a huge pilgrimage at Mecca. Since then I found his Koran and his prayer mat hidden, hidden behind our wedding photos."

We here at Satire Sanity pray for Michelles safety in the upcoming days.

"I keep seeing these children and hoping one of them isn't a terrorist. I'm a target now that the muslim world knows I have uncovered the truth."

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In other news, President Obama was seen entering a hospital with extensive wounds. He is reportedly being checked into a 'Battered Husbands Crisis Center.'

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Tenant Waits 6 Months for Apartment Key

James Naff is your normal college-age student. He works, gets awesome grades and parties ever other Saturday. He even has an apartment, a very spacious one bedroom with an awesome kitchen. The only problem in James' life is his landlord.

"My landlord is driving me crazy. He does it every week."

He is referring to the multiple times his landlord has unlawfully forced James into the company SUV only to drive around in tight circles until the tenant would begin hallucinating.

What most of James' friends don't realize, apart from being driven crazy, he also sleeps outside. He has his own tent pitched in the backyard. All the camping supplies James could afford are in this little ten foot by ten foot square.

"I signed the lease about six months ago. Then the landlord started acting like an ass. It took me an entire month to get my mailbox key. Now winter is approaching and I have yet to get the key to the apartment. Do you know how frustrating it is to be 25 feet away from a warm apartment?"

According to his lease, James can at no time forcibly enter the premises, thereby preventing him from breaking down the door.

After interviewing James we spoke to his landlord.

"I told him I would get it to him as soon as I can. But my family comes first and we are heading down south for the winter, to stay warm."

Local meteorologist, Dave Dahl, is predicting that James has a 75 percent chance of freezing to death this winter.

"But let's be optimistic, there is also a .005 percent chance that a balmy southern warm front will envelope James' tent keeping him alive for the winter."

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012

Tragedy

A friend of mine died on Sunday. I will hopefully be publishing some new articles tomorrow.

Thanks for understanding.

President Obama: No Nuclear Talks With Iran

Today, the President declared that he did not wish to talk about anything "nuclear" with the leader of Iran.

After the last attempt to talk about nuclear related events, President Obama was exasperated after what can only be described as a mind-warping presentation from Ahmadinejad himself. You can check out our coverage of the presentation here.

"Ahmadinejad is a nice guy, alright. But every time we get together and play golf, all he does is talk about his nuclear program and his attempt to create viable nuclear kitchen appliances. Enough is enough, we can play golf next Sunday, Ahmadinejad, but no nuclear talk, at all."

President Ahmadinejad reportedly was very hurt by Obama's comment and was seen writing an apology with tears streaked all over his handwriting. 

"If I had known Ahmadinejad was going to act this way, I would have been a little less abrasive with my approach. Ahmadinejad, if you're watching, if it pleases you, we could talk about destroying Israel instead?"

Ahmadinejad responded in an email several seconds later.

"That would be awesome! You really know how to comfort a friend. We can talk about my new nuclear blender on a future date.

Best Friends Forever,

Your Favorite Dictator, Ahmadinejad

P.S. My new blender is really awesome! It makes your snacks glow in the dark so you don't have to turn on the light to eat!"

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In other news, a mysterious form of energy, who insisted his name was Nuclear, was unsure why Obama would have to clarify that he, Nuclear, was not talking to Iran.

"Maybe I misunderstood the headlines, but I am sure it was referring to me!"

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012.

Poop transplants? For real?

No politicians were hurt while creating this photo.

Crap Fashions

The latest fashion craze is a strange one indeed. Of all the things fashion has thrown at us, I never thought we would outdo the mullet.

Poop transplants, yes, poop transplants. Some say it can save ones life. Others, anorexics, praise the new procedure.

"With poop transplants, my family will actually believe I am eating."

The grotesque has finally reached it's pinnacle. From the days of "Two Girls, One Cup" to the reality of today.

Poop transplants, available at your local crack den.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012