North Dakota Enforces "Sunday Law", Day of Rest

A homeless man was arrested last Sunday after breaking North Dakota's notorious "Sunday Law." This is a law that requires everyone to go to church and sleep upon returning home. North Dakota congressmen openly take satisfaction that they can break the First Amendment whenever they choose.

"I was laying down under my bridge like I always do on Sundays. Because of the "Sunday Law", none of the stores are open, not to mention public services like the hospital and the fire department."

The arresting officer, "Just Following Orders" Peterson, was cornered while hiding from us in a church pew.

"The law is very clear. Just laying down after church is unlawful. One must actually be sleeping. After watching the man breath for several minutes, I could tell that he was not sleeping but just closing his eyes. I also suspect that he did not attend church that day."

Local law enforcement is going over church data to discover if the homeless man registered for church service. North Dakota is the only state that requires churches to install scanners to verify who attended church and who did not.

A judge later set the homeless man's bond at one million dollars, citing gross disobedience of state laws regarding church attendance.

"The bond was set so high for a couple of reasons. How can I let him out of jail when it has been determined that he will refuse to go to church in the future? Not to mention that he is homeless and will most definitely not sleep during the daylight hours on Sunday. Why release him when he will just repeat his offense?"

North Dakota's governor expressed his love of the "Sunday Law."

"It is a fine example of how easy it is to create unconstitutional laws. Until someone stops us we will continue making laws to the contrary. I am planning on recommending a law stating that citizens can only attend Catholic church service. Anything other, like Lutheran and Baptist churches must respect 'Sunday Law'."

As of today, the state prosecutors are recommending a life sentence and excommunication for the homeless man.

"We feel we must make an example with this homeless man. If anyone ever thinks to go against the moral code of our senators and representative again, they will suffer greatly. This state will continue to respect the religion of Catholicism."

Those in favor of the sentence were quick to point out that the homeless man should feel lucky.

"He goes from living under a bridge to the assurance that he will always have a concrete ceiling over him."

North Dakota is currently in the process of creating a new law that would violate the 8th Amendment.

"No cruel and unusual punishment? Ha, this new law would let us do whatever we want when it comes to our citizens."

In other news, President Obama is currently planning a nuclear strike against North Dakota. The name of the nuke to be used, "Thomas Jefferson."

Satire Sanity News Corp 2012

Fact: North Dakota has a "Sunday Law" that prohibits most businesses from opening before noon on Sundays. Car Dealerships are prohibited from opening at all on Sunday.

Source: BismarckCafe.com

Israel Shoots Down Unidentified Plastic Bag

Israel made the news Saturday after shooting down an unidentified object that had entered Israeli airspace.

The Israeli people were quick to respond, bomb shelters were utilized and the Israeli Air Force deployed 30,000 of it's overwhelming fleet of F-16 Fighting Falcon's.

Ultimately, the unidentified object turned out to be a rogue plastic bag. The United States was in uproar after the plastic bag was identified to have American origin.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta, sent a statement to Israel warning the rogue state to cease hostilities or face U.S. retaliatory measures.

"This is a blatant act of war. The Israeli government made no attempt to identify the origin of the plastic bag. This loss has deeply saddened the nation, we cannot afford more bloodshed."

The American flag was flown at half mast today as a memorial for the late plastic bag.

Walmart later came forward to claim the plastic bag.

"Israel has made an enemy today. The loss of this plastic bag will have a major financial impact in the following months."

Walmart began the process of shutting down the twelve chains present in Israel. This will make Sam's Choice beverages unattainable for the large population in Jerusalem who swear by it's quality.

Israel began strategic operations to protect it's airspace from future plastic bag intrusions. 

"Israel will began calibrating it's Jericho intercontinental ballistic missiles, boosting their effectiveness against future invasions of the plastic type."

The United States, in retaliation readied it's famous Tomahawk cruise missiles against possible threats of airborn Israeli recyclable paper bags.

"Let it be known that Israel does not scare us and will not succeed in this conflict.

Satire Sanity News Corp. 2012